When it comes to sex, many people forget their context plays a huge role in having a fantastic sex life. Like many other things, sex starts in the brain.
When the chemicals dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin are released our senses start peaking. The release gets the blood flowing and sends pleasurable sensations throughout our body.
Hence the saying “I’m getting turned on.”
The sensations not only have a physical effect on us; it also alters our emotions and the way we process information.
During the time of arousal, our brains send many signals to prepare our bodies for pleasure. Making it is easy for us to get distracted and focused on having sex.
“Context is when your environment and mental state influences how and when your turn-ons and turn-offs are activated.” Emily Nagoski wrote in Come As You Are.
Sexual context also affects your physicality because it causes you to be turned on mentally and not physically or vice versa, which is known as “arousal and emotional non-concordance.”
Arousal Non-concordance and Mental Context:
Imagine you are in the mood to have mind-blowing sex with your partner when you get home from work. The two of you have been sexting all day, and you are mentally prepared to do all of the things you talked about over text messages. However, when it is finally time for you two to meet your body is not responding to your mental desires. Either you can not produce enough lubrication or obtain an erection.
This is arousal non-concordance.
In this situation two things typically happen, the person that is having trouble getting turned-on begins to stress, while the other partner feels slightly insecure or embarrassed for both of them. That is when non-concordance affects your mental context.
For the couple to fix the situation, the two need to take a sensual breath together and communicate what is happening while caressing one another, or taking care of distractions around them. ( See Emotional Non-concordance & Environmental Context below).
Now you are probably wondering what happened in the time frame of the sexting and being in front of each other?
To answer, prior to facing each other, the couple was stimulating each other’s minds and not the body.
While that is all good, to keep the sexual energy alive, the couple needed to continue to do a little more than sext.
Some examples to do more would be sending a photo, or calling each other on the phone. Such activities stimulate the other senses such as sight and sound; which may trigger other pleasurable sensations in the brain to send hormones and blood different parts of the body.
Emotional Non-Concordance & Environmental Context:
Same scenario but communication doesn’t stop when you are with your partner. As soon as you see each other you are still flirtatious and you are comfortable enough to engage in sex.
Once the two of you are settled enough to have sex, it is enjoyable, but you realize none of the positions are good enough to help either of you reach an orgasm.
This is a sign that the emotional connection was lost. Consent between the couple would end the sexual activity either with masturbation or falling to sleep.
Once the couple settles, they’ll begin to notice all of the distractions around them; TV still on in the background, the smell of cooked food lingering in the air, a pile of laundry in the corner waiting to be folded, etc.
In this scenario, the environment distracted the couples’ focus on pleasure, Although the two were turned on enough to engage in the sexual act neither one of them was able to orgasm.
Turning off the excessive noise may help keep a person mind clear of environmental distractions. Once a person rids themselves of distractions, it is easier to focus on the task at hand, which may be pleasing oneself or a partner.
While context can mean different things to people. It is best to be aware of your thoughts and surroundings when you find your self having trouble in the bedroom when health is not an issue.
Today’s society is filled with so many distractions that sometimes all you need to do to have an enjoyable sexual experience is relax, and let everything flow naturally. There is enough stress in our daily lives so why add pressure to your sex life?
Check your context whether it is something happening mentally or in your environment. If there is a solution, consensual sex will be the reason you are free from worries.